The Mueller Report: The Leaked Investigation into President Donald Trump and His Inner Circle of Con Men, Circus Clowns, and Children He Named After Himself

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About The Mueller Report: The Leaked Investigation Into

Product Description The president has gotten himself into a bit of trouble. Maybe you heard? The entire country is waiting to see what former FBI director and current special counsel Robert Mueller has dug up on former mail-order steak salesman and current US president Donald Trump. The wait is over—sort of—with the publication of The Mueller Report by Jason O. Gilbert. Leaked by an anonymous and vengeful White House source who goes only by the mysterious code name “Melania T.,” The Mueller Report is a hilarious inventory of the dirt, grime, and Big Mac crumbs that the special counsel has collected on President Trump during his months of investigation. Filled with interview transcripts, intercepted phone calls, incriminating emails, text exchanges, ALL-CAPS TRUMP TWEETS WITH SPELING ERRORS, and more, it whisks readers from the leaky White House to an even leakier Ritz-Carlton hotel room in Moscow, from Donald Trump Jr.’s covert meeting with Russians in Trump Tower to Michael Cohen’s secret sale of a Trump Tower apartment to a shell corporation called Oligarch LLC. And, for the first time, you’ll find out what really happened in that Moscow hotel room between Donald Trump and two well-hydrated Russian escorts. Bring an umbrella! Unlike the Trump presidency, The Mueller Report is so much fun you won’t want it to end. Read it right away, while books are still legal in America! About the Author Jason O. Gilbert is a humor writer whose work has been published in  The New Yorker’s Shouts and Murmurs,  The New York Times,  McSweeney’s,  GQ,  Esquire, and many more failing publications. He has also written comedy for HBO’s  Vice News Tonight, the game show  HQ Trivia, and his Twitter account, which has more than 40,000 followers. He lives in Brooklyn with his wife. Sad! Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. The Mueller Report INTRODUCTION To the American People: I am the leaker of the report you are about to read. While I cannot divulge my true identity, I am someone who sees the President every morning and night; who has known the President for the past two decades; and who is present for many of his tantrums, outbursts, and extended rants about Chuck Schumer. I can’t say my full name, for it might jeopardize my relationship with the President. And so: call me only “Melania T.” I had been saying for years that I wished Donald Trump was in prison. And so when I heard that Special Counsel Robert Mueller had been appointed to investigate President Trump, I knew immediately that I wanted to help. But how? I had much to offer, given my proximity to Donald. Would Mr. Mueller want the President’s credit card statements from the Moscow airport Sbarro? Would he want an exceptional amount of hair from his shower drain? What about a recording of the President discussing Russia with his two most trusted advisors: Geraldo Rivera and Chumlee from Pawn Stars? I contacted Mr. Mueller—again, using only my pseudonym, Melania T.—and became his investigation’s secret source: the Deep Throat of the Mueller investigation. At first, my spycraft turned up nothing. I recovered the President’s legal pad from a meeting with the White House Commission on Science and Technology, but it only contained a crude stick figure drawing of Bo Derek with the phrase “Time travel?” Next, I recovered his notes following a cabinet meeting about the Iran deal. This, too, proved a bust, as his notes were just a list of ideas for nicknames to call Keith Olbermann on Twitter. For several months I turned up nothing of use for Mr. Mueller, even though the President had become quite careless. On a trip to Asia he attempted to order an adults-only pay-per-view to his hotel television but instead of calling the front desk, he left a voice mail for Glenn Thrush at the New York Times. For three confusing minutes in September 2017 the President accidentally appointed Scott Baio as chief justice of the Supreme Court. In October 2017 the Pres