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Suicide was at the End of my Rainbow: For those with suicidal ideations and suicide attempts
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About Suicide Was At The End Of My Rainbow: For Those
August two-thousand sixteen. Nothing spectacular about this month; nothing out of the ordinary. But for me, Brittany M. Tucker, it was the beginning of what felt like a hellish joke. A seed given directly from Satan. I was battling suicidal ideations, and even went on to attempt it; twice. From July to February of the following year, I was bent on finding a way to happiness and freedom. I was running from doubt, hopelessness, agitation, self-hate, irritability, embarrassment, and self-loathing. I didn’t see an end to my troubles, or a patch for my wounds. All I saw was more failure, more sickness, more regret, and no hope. I did not want to live anymore. I did not want to smell the sunflowers a final time, I didn’t want to eat pizza one last time, and I surely didn’t want to hug my parents one last time. I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to cease to exist. This intensely, and sometimes inappropriately, detailed work, follows my path from suicidality to ever changing mood stabilizers, and finally; contempt. I describe my suicide attempts in grave detail; my thought process and inward feelings. I talk about my sexuality in relation to my mother, father, and siblings. I speak about my affair, and how it intertwined with my second suicide attempt. I address my life in the military, and how every aspect took a toll on my career. This work covers a lot of ground and can relate to multiple people in more than one category. Gay and Lesbian individuals deal with suicide and family issues as I did. Military members endure a different environment of mental health than most civilians. Parents who have children who’ve committed suicide often wonder why, they cannot understand how the brain works, and why an individual would go as far as to make a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Similarly, there are teens and young adults who right now are seeking help, compassion, and understanding. Most importantly, they are seeking someone, with the same background, to tell them why they should not do it. My memoir is about hearing that voice. The beacon that one can listen to and see a light of hope. While in alcohol addiction treatment, we were “forced” to read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was a moving read, filled with compassion and understanding. I want to invent the same concept for those who struggle with suicide. Too many people suffer from this affliction and I want to assist in being a voice of reason, because there is hope. Someone just has to show it to them.
