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The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive
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About The Truth About Children And Divorce: Dealing With
Product Description Nationally recognized expert Robert Emery applies his twenty-five years of experience as a researcher, therapist, and mediator to offer parents a new road map to divorce. Dr. Emery shows how our powerful emotions and the way we handle them shape how we divorce—and whether our children suffer or thrive in the long run. His message is hopeful, yet realistic—divorce is invariably painful, but parents can help promote their children’s resilience. With compassion and authority, Dr. Emery explains: • Why it is so hard to really make divorce work• How anger and fighting can keep people from really separating• Why legal matters should be one of the last tasks• Why parental love—and limit setting—can be the best “therapy” for kids• How to talk to children, create workable parenting schedules, and more Review “Finally, an internationally respected scholar tells parents the absolute truth about divorce and its effect on children.” —John Gottman, PhD, author of The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child From the Back Cover "Finally, an internationally respected scholar tells parents the absolute truth about divorce and its effect on children." John Gottman, PhD, author of The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child About the Author Robert E. Emery, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology and the director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law at the University of Virginia, where he has spent his entire academic career (beginning in 1981). He received his B.A. from Brown University in 1974 and his Ph.D. from Stony Brook University in 1982. Dr. Emery’s research focuses on family relationships and children’s mental health, including parental conflict, divorce, divorce mediation, child custody, and genetically informed studies of all these issues, as well as associated legal and policy issues. Emery has authored more than 150 scientific publications and several books on divorce. In addition to his research, teaching, and administrative responsibilities, Dr. Emery maintains a practice as a clinical psychologist, divorce mediator, and parenting coordinator. He is the father of five children. Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. Introduction Putting Children First When a Marriage Comes Apart The telephone call was typical of many that I receive as a marriage therapist and mediator. After fourteen years of marriage, Danielle and Frank were separating. Normally, only one partner calls to make the first appointment. It’s usually the one who wants out of the marriage. I know to listen carefully to the caller’s version of events while bearing in mind that in marriage there are at least two, and sometimes even more, sides to the story. What was different here was the timing—just a week before Christmas, an understandably unpopular time for separations—and the timetable Danielle had set for the split: now. As a psychologist and a dad myself, I found this especially distressing since the couple had a six-year-old child, Sam. Danielle and Frank had each met with lawyers, but Danielle told me that she—and, she hoped, Frank—didn’t want to go that route. They both made the same amount of money, so they weren’t going to be fighting over finances. Even though Frank wanted to work things out, Danielle said, there was little chance of saving the marriage now. “Could you please meet with us before Christmas?” she asked urgently. After we agreed on a date, Danielle offered some additional, crucial background: She had only recently confessed to Frank that she was having an affair. She was worried about what Frank might do. Whenever she tried to talk seriously about separation, he made it very clear that he wanted to have Sam with him all the time. Danielle said this was a ridiculous suggestion. After all, she had spent more time raising Sam, and she loved him so much. She couldn’t stand being apart from him. But Danielle also felt guilty and uncertain ab
